Year End Thoughts: Something Unusual, Something Cute and Something Special

For an end of the year treat, I offer three videos: Two women getting into a tiny plastic box (together), kittens singing "Old Lang Syne" and a sexy woman with Usher music. Does it get any better than this? I don't think so.

These two young women will take 5+ minutes of your life if you watch all of this video. Fast forwarding will let you get the gist of this: They're limber! And I have a problem sitting in the back set of a mid size car.

The only justification for this is the cute factor. Singing cats, what else do you need to know?

This one is pretty amazing from a purely aesthetic point of view. Actually, if we could combine this woman with the first video and have cats singing an Usher song in the background, I could die happy.

Have a safe and happy new year. Let's roll 'em and be careful out here. (Hill Street Blues reference. God, I'm old.)

Peace. Out.

Last Minute Shopping Idea

Ok, guys, as a public (pubic?) service to you in the event that you have not completed your shopping for that significant other in your life, I suggest the Vajazzler. Yep, it's applying rhinestones to the female nether region or "rhinies to your hiney". Here's an example:

Now, this would be totally useless unless we could come up with a large number of taglines for this product, so in addition to the "rhinies for your hiney" thing above, I suggest:

• Bling for your thing
• Glitz for your bits
• Shine for your 'gine
• Art for your part
• Diamond for your hymen
• Glow for your ho'
• Pretty for your kitty
• Gem for your trim
• Radiance for your ladiance
• Rocks for your box
• Power for your flower

I'm sure the collective creativeness of this vast blog readership can come up with more. Leave 'em in the comments.

Peace. Out.

How To Save $4050 Immediately And Not Involve A Nigerian Prince

Say you wanted to see 270 movies this year. At about $8 a pop plus $7 for treats (conservative, 15 kernels of old popcorn retails for apx. $10), you would spend $4050 to see said 270 movies. Some nice people have edited the best parts of the 2010 crop and put it into a 6 minute video. Did I also mention that you also saved about 540 hours and didn't have to watch the bad parts of a lot of crappy movies? I know. You're welcome.

Peace. Out.

Piss The Season To Be Jowley (I Don't Know What This Means Either)

Those of the many readers of this blog who know me personally know that I give a great deal of my time, money and effort to charitable causes. One of the many things I like to do is dress up in a Santa suit and spread joy and cheer through parking decks around the city. To show my dedication to this morale raiser, I offer a video made by a friend of mine who is a security guard to show how good I am at this. My act varies according to locale and medication levels but in this one I help moisturize a couple of places to bring that ole holiday aroma to the area, I try to give a stalled motorist a push with my face and I engage in some good spirited holiday jostling with an appreciative couple. I should get an award for this but my counselor says I should just increase my Antabuse dosage.




Happy Holidays. Peace. Out.

Yes, I Do Like to Gamble, Drink, Sleep Around And I Am A Liberal. Thank You, Totally Random DNA Combination.

Recent studies have indicated that people who are more promiscuous and like to have uncommitted one night stands have a particular gene (the "Slutty Gene") that has also been linked to drinking and gambling addiction and political liberalism. That's me! The only parameter I miss is in the loving horror and gore (not Al) films. I'm not big on those.

All I can say is "Thank you, big gene lottery in the sky!" I kinda like me this way. At least I don't have the high level of disgust gene that is prevalent in Tea Baggers.

So, when you shack up this weekend with a less than ideal partner, just remember, it's the dopamine receptors and not really your lack of moral clarity.

Peace. Out.

Fired For Having A Good Playlist and Arrested For Waxing Your Wand At A Harry Potter Movie. Police State Run Amok. And Then There's Cats.

You sports fans out there know that Auburn and Alabama played in the "Iron Bowl" last weekend. You also know that they are bitter rivals and unless you have been running from a Wikileaks prosecution, you know that Auburn's quarterback, Cam Newton, has been under investigation because, allegedly, his dad (a minister) solicited money to influence him to play at Auburn. Since Cam is an incredible athlete and is probably going to win the Heisman Trophy (unless Auburn gets the death penalty before then), his is a very polarizing situation. So, when a creative Alabama staffer played the following music on the public address system before the game last Saturday, it was appreciated by all Alabama fans and unsurprisingly, got the poor staffer fired. The music:

The other miscarriage of justice was a guy that was found to be rubbing one out on the back row of a Harry Potter movie was arrested. He obviously misunderstood the rule about waving your wand around.

And then there is the cat patty-cake video that is prevalent on Facebook. This blog is not opposed to cute cat videos and really likes cute and funny cat videos. Hence:

Peace. Out.

The Great Global Holiday Festival-My Solution For Repairing The Economy, Restoring World Peace And Curing Dandruff

There is a period of time in the fall and winter (Northern Hemisphere) that is occupied primarily with the preparation for and the "celebration" of certain events and holidays. This begins approximately October 15 with the promotion of candy and costumes for Halloween and continues until February 15 when guys are trying to make up for not treating Valentine's Day exactly like their partners expected.

I propose designating this four month period as the Great Global Holiday Festival. All nations would sign a treaty observing this period and agreeing not to wage war or prepare for waging war and Walmart, Target and Hallmark would agree to sell cheap, tacky shit for each event occuring during that time. This would encompass most of the world's major holidays with the notable exceptions of the 4th of July, Purim, Ramadan and European summer holiday.

During this time, we have Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Bodhi, Diwali, Winter Solstice, Kwanzaa, Saturnalia, Hanukkah, New Year's Eve, Super Bowl, Ground Hog Day, Valentine's Day and the Prophet Mohammed's birthday, among others. Recognizing this as a time period of celebration rather than concentrating on individual events would make it more efficient. For example, you could just send GGHF cards to everybody and cover a multitude of events.

To help you get in the mood for part of this celebration, I offer the greatest redneck Christmas song ever made for your enjoyment. If you have ever spent Christmas with anybody else, you will probably recognize someone in this video:

I think you see the wisdom of my proposal.
Peace. Out.

Beyonce, Cat In Boxes and Loyal Dogs. Really, What Else Is There?

A potpourri of stuff for your weekend consideration. A new commercial by Beyonce for a perfume she is promoting and the commercial is smokin'. So smokin' that some people will not permit you to see it on some of your glowing rectangles. As a public service, this blog rectifies that injustice, right now.



Then there is the cute quotient. A cat that wants to get in every box it sees. This cat could end up being somewhere else overnight. If it fits, it ships.



Then there is this collection of loyal dog stories. I swore I wasn't going to cry.
I lied.

Peace. Out.

You Shoot Just Like A Girl!

Oh, that it were so. Look at this supposedly unaltered video and know that you will never be this good, at anything.

Rules To Live By - Animated Version

I imparted 5 rules to live by in a previous post. These important axioms have now been animated (see here) for the hard of reading.

Peace. Out.

I Knew There Was A Medical Reason For This "Shrinkage".

Now I know. I have koro. I must have contracted it a couple of years ago when I was in India. That obviously explains my short comings. Otherwise, I would surely be in John Holmes territory. This article describes that there was an outbreak of this disease in a labor camp where men suffering from this condition sat for extended periods in ice water. The best part of the article is where police were called to the camp at 1 a.m. I would love to hear the dispatcher telling the police to investigate. I wonder what the police code is for an outbreak of short wee-wees. I'm not sure what the cause of this affliction is, but I'm pretty sure that sitting in cold water will not cure it. At least, that never helped me nor George Costanza.

Peace. Out.

Acting Like You Know What You Are Doing Is Better Than Knowing What You Are Doing.

Doctors learn this in med school and lawyers learn it after having their ass handed to them several times and that is, if you look confident and say things like you know what you are talking about, people will let you get away with a lot of things. A middle school football team takes this to the extreme and befuddles the defense with a trick play based on acting confidently.

Mack Brown, thinking like this might save your job.
Peace. Out.

One Video In Which I Will Never Appear

The following is a compilation of people doing incredible (often incredibly stupid) things. It generally shows the successful attempts but a more interesting video would be the times they totally screwed up these stunts. The two things that constantly amaze me about these things are: (i) how did they think of them in the first place; and (ii) how do they have time to perfect them. Is unemployment that high?



Peace. Out.

Somethings To Think About Over The Weekend

I have felt a little guilty lately. There has been a fairly steady stream of "cute" emanating from this blog, like bunnies in cups (2 bunnies, 2 cups), hedgehogs, etc. I wanted to make sure that you understand that I have not lost my creepy old guy edge so I offer the following. Still, very cute, but no hedgehogs (maybe a Bunny).





There also hasn't been anything particularly funny on this lately, so I offer this to try to remedy that. This is the campaign ad that our friend Christine O'Donnell ("I am not a witch. I'm you.") should have made.

Have a good weekend. Peace. Out.

Wisdom From The End Of The Bar

If there is any advantage to being a Pathetic Old Man By Himself In A Bar, it is that age brings experience and hopefully some insight. So, to test that theory, I am going to impart five gems of knowledge learned by listening to people in bars, having painful personal experiences or observing the world at large. Take these tidbits, offered in no particular order of importance, apply them to your lives and you too, may be able to drink by yourself in a bar.

1. Never play poker with a man called "Doc".
2. Never eat at a place called "Mom's".
3. Never pass up a chance to pee.
4. Never go to bed with someone who has less to lose than you do.
5. If you have to eat shit, take big bites.

See, your life is better already. Peace. Out.

Second Anniversary Happy Hour Extravaganza

This blog's favorite law firm in the whole world has survived for two years. Who knew? To celebrate that serendipitous event, they are having a happy hour at Malverde's tomorrow night (Oct. 20) from 5:30 to 8:30. The many readers of this blog close to Austin should drop by.

See the invite here: http://bit.ly/ccDms5

Peace. Out.

Dancing In The Rain - Not Gene Kelly - No Noize

Once upon a time, I could dance like this (in my dreams).



Enjoy for the weekend. Peace. Out.

And Now, Your Moment Of Zen - Bunnies in Cups, Porcupine Eating a Banana, Hedgehog Hiding.

Listen, I know most of you want to see posts about Paraguayan model's breasts, but this post is designed to calm you down after a disappointing Monday. Take a deep breath and a Xanax and observe the calming effect of the following videos. If you are not calmer after watching these, you are a heartless douche.







See. Peaceful already. Peace. Out.

Judge Wanted Women To Handle His Nuts With Condoms

In another edition of "You Couldn't Make This Shit Up!", a judge (supposedly not in the discharge of his judicial duties) in Pennsylvania apparently hollowed out acorns, filled the acorns with condoms and handed them out to women in the vicinity of the state capitol. And even better, he's from Intercourse, Pennsylvania.

I can't believe that we have come to this in Obama's world. Fascist police state. This is what happens when you elect a socialist healthcare Nazi Leninist muslin foreigner with an anti-colonial world view. Pretty soon we won't be able to ask anyone to hold our nuts (except the Tea Party).

Everything You Ever Wanted To See (and several you didn't) In An Internet Video

Tosh.O is a disgusting, dirty show full of jejune antics and videos without any redeeming social value. All in all, one of my favorite shows. They have produced what they call the "Perfect Internet Video". I don't think it is perfect. For one thing, there is no full frontal nudity. But, it's pretty good. I submit it for your consideration.

Peace. Out.

200 Seconds to Becoming a Movie Quote Machine

The follow is a compilation of what someone believes are the 100 greatest movie lines of all time. Some you can't argue with, but where are the lines from Field of Dreams ("Hey...Dad? You wanna have a catch?") and Quigley Down Under ("I said I never had much use for one. Never said I didn't know how to use it."), two of the best movies of all time. Also, how are Matthew McConaughey playing himself and Al Pacino saying "Who-Ah!", great movie lines? In any event, it's only 200 seconds in your space-time continuum (or 0.25 hours in attorney fee time).



Peace. Out.

Three Time Wasters For Your Consideration

There is a group called "OK Go". They have produced at least 3 amazing videos. The first one you may have seen and deals with dancing on treadmills. For some reason, embedding has been disabled for this video, but you can see it here.

The other two videos are a Rube Goldberg type machine and dancing dogs. Did I mention dancing dogs?





There's 10 minutes you won't get back, but will never miss. Peace. Out.

Washing Your Snake and Dolphin Pooting. Neither of these is a euphemism for that thing that Christine O'Donnell hates.

First, watch this instructional video about proper hygiene for your python. It actually doesn't seem to get bigger when you rub it.

Python Taking a Bath -

Now, just to bring the intellectual content of this blog up several points, you are welcome to view dolphin farts. Farts are just funny, or is that just me?



I know. You're welcome. Peace. Out.

3D! I Thought Double Ds Were Huge!

When last we saw our friend Larissa Riquelme, she was only interested in cheering on her beloved Paraguay soccer team in the World Cup. That, and marketing her patented organic cell phone holder.

She obviously wasn't trying to bring attention to herself if you judge by the gazillion pictures of her on the Interweb. Just an ordinary sports fan. However, she has now stepped up her game a little. She is appearing in the Spanish version of Playboy (in Spanish: Playboy) and in 3-freaking-D! So, this is not Avatar 3D but the old school red and green glasses 3D. So dust off those old glasses and go to this site, if you dare. You should know by now that this is NSFW. Ah, the confluence of sports and sex once again.

Peace. Out.

Google Instant - Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back To The Search

This blog is obviously technologically savvy and likes to keep its readers abreast of tech trends. Earlier this week, Google released "Google Instant", a feature that reads your mind while you type in your search request. I doubted its value and utility until I noticed that no matter what I searched for, it returned porn. Who says it can't read your mind? To demonstrate the feature, a YouTube videos has been prepared showing the search results for "We Didn't Start The Fire" as the words are being sung. Hey, it's only a minute forty of your life. What were you going to do anyway?



Have a good weekend. Peace. Out.

Advice For The Chronically Underemployed

Since this is the Labor Day weekend, this blog decided that as a public service, it would give interview tips. It seems a number of the readers of this blog are on a constant job search. Hey, we're not judging, just saying.

To that end, take some advice from the following video and remember, as usual, shit on this blog is NSFW.

Have a good weekend. Peace. Out.

Sports, Sex and Intellectual Property Law - This Blog Is Well Rounded, If Nothing Else.

In NASCAR, sitting on the pole is a desirable thing. In pole vaulting, not so much.



Now for you patent lawyers out there, we know you are, by and large, a pretty dull group. You should get some of these inventors for your clients to spice up your practice. BTW, this is NSFW.

Peace. Out.

Soccer Head Ball (Inadvertent), Another Sick Japanese Baseball Catch and the Appropriate Response for a Lot of Things.

For this edition of the MOTM blog, we explore a German sportscaster getting blasted, another insane Japanese baseball catch (this is getting dull, see earlier post) and perhaps the proper response by the sportscaster and the batter.






This is the same team, same park and same pitcher but different fielder from the earlier video (see here).





And lastely, the proper response to all of these and many other things. If the use of the f-bomb offends you, don't play this (and let me know, so I can defriend you on Facebook).




Let's plan on a MOTM Happy Hour in a couple of weeks.

Peace. Out.

This Is Just Cute. There Can Be No Other Excuse.

MARCEL THE SHELL WITH SHOES ON from Dean Fleischer-Camp on Vimeo.

Tennis Balls and Flaming Dudes or Tennis Dudes and Flaming Balls

This video has Roger Federer totally drilling a can off the head of some reluctant and nervous dude. It could be fake also, like the monkey carrying the dog. You tell me.



Then there is this. Lighting a guy on fire and having him run around the bases. Do I have to say, don't try this at home (or third base)?



Also, if you want to save time, you can find most of these on Deadspin. I just rip them off.

Peace. Out.

Pole Dancing. No, not that kind.

Here's some guys in India that apparently all work for Hooters most of the time. Other than that, I offer this without comment.



Peace. Out.

Monkey, Dog, Monkey, Duck, Chicken, etc. etc.

An update to the post below. The picture of the monkey saving the dog from the explosion might have been a hoax. Imagine, a hoax on the internet. Who knew? I may have to rethink those Nigerian oil minister payments I have been making.

On the continuing farm animal theme, please consider the following for your weekend pleasure:

Peace. Out.

Cats Puking, Monkeys Saving Dogs, Locker Room Nudity, etc.

We won't do a MOTM this week. What with pro football exhibition games starting and preschool sales, who has the time? So, in keeping with the stated objective of updating this blog a little more regularly, I submit for your consideration some pictures and a video, some of which concern sports and sex and some are just cute. The fact that the last couple of posts contain kitten videos in no way should be used to judge the manliness of this blog, should it?

This video is about how to break up a fight. I tried this on Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras in 1973. For some reason, I actually don't remember how that worked out.

OK, just one more quotient of cuteness. This a picture of a monkey carrying a dog to safety away from an explosion in China. There is no information regarding what the other monkeys did for Dorothy.

Now, for the combination of sex and sports, consider the striking visage of the young lady that follows. She is a Playboy Playmate and a University of Central Florida student. To get the tenuous connection with sports, she recently sneaked into the UCF football locker room and did a revealing photo shoot. That is enough to allow me to include her here, don't you think? A further Google search on her will brighten up your day (if you are really into abnormally attractive, scantily clad females). Just saying.

Until next we speak. Peace. Out.

It Feels Like the First Time

It was very nice to get back into the MOTM thing last night.
Warm night at The Dogwood and some kind of fashion magazine happy hour combined to make for a very agreeable ambiance. However, even more appealing was the nice mix of card carrying MOTM originals, new additions and some appearances by some veterans of the MOTM wars.
Amanda and Shunit made much anticipated return appearances. Shunit even purportedly drove all the way up from Houston to attend. She gets the longest distance for attendance award. Jude and Amber (the Downtown Austin Blog proprietors), Mike G. and Sean (MOTM charter members), Billy Bob the decorator, Lone Star Todd and his Multimedia posse, the flying Tambunga sisters, the parents of Jake and Rachel, my favorite aerospace engineer and patent litigator and a number of others (lack of specific mention does not lessen your importance nor your contribution to the festivities) made this the best of times.
It was discussed and agreed (OK, maybe it was only me) that we should have MOTMs on a more regular basis and we have dedicated ourselves to that proposition.
Also, I heard much discussion (voices in my head) about keeping this blog a little more active even between MOTM sessions. We will try to do that too. However, when you are not reading this blog, you can get a lot of really good information from austintechnologylawblog.com, which will also occupy a bit of our spare time.
To make this blog more entertaining (as if the stellar writing wasn't enough), we pledge to include more references and pictures relating to sex and sports. We all know the internet under serves everybody on those topics. If there are any other topics that you want to see addressed, please let us know so we can summarily ignore them.

So for the sports theme, consider the following video, which is painful to watch. Last of the twelfth, man on third and the visiting team attempts to issue two intentional walks. You may be witnessing the proverbial career ending move:


And for a combination of sex and sports, consider the sad story of the woman who performed oral sex on Rick Pitino, the Louisville basketball coach, in an Italian restaurant after it closed one night. Then she allegedly (she has been found guilty) tried to blackmail Rick because of it. She also did the honors with at least three other people involved in the suit, including one of her former lawyers. Some people say she was a resident of Louisville, while others say she just blew through town. (Rimshot)
See, this thing has already taken a dangerous turn.
Peace. Out.

MOTM Tonight - Dogwood - 6th and West

We're actually going to go through with this. Just when you thought it was impossible, the tough got going, we put our nose to the grindstone, the early bird got the worm, the race was to the swift and the meek inherited the earth. All that for a freaking happy hour. Anyway, be there.

Also, for your daily allotment of cute, here is a kitten epic fail (can you even call it a fail if it's this cute?).



Then, for your daily allotment of peace, this video is very relaxing.



And then, for all you sports fans out there, the best baseball catch ever.



See you tonight. Peace. Out.

MOTM - Dogwood - West and 6th Street - Thursday, August 5 -

Yes, it's been a while. What's your point?

It's time again. Meeting Of The Minds arrives in your town this Thursday evening around 6 pm at The Dogwood. That's the reincarnation of Mother Egan's next door to Moltov on 6th. It's new and it's fresh and it's happening. It's where all the hip kids hang out. We should go look at them.

Let's put on our pretty boy sway and our finest business casual and hang out and smoke and drink. I don't think we've forgotten how.

Topics of discussion will be:

• Don't you think this is a mild summer?


• Is it football season yet?


• Does this look like herpes to you?

It will be a time to remember, if you can.

Meeting of the Minds - Today - Key Bar - West 6th

You've waited so long and you've done without so much. Reward yourself and everybody else and join the festivities at Key Bar at 6 pm.

Many points of view will be exchanged, few will be heard, even fewer appreciated. But that's never stopped us before. See you there.

Peace. Out.

MOTM - We're Baaack!

OK, so it's been a hard year. The economy sucks, relationships come and go and life is hard. This blog hasn't been updated in one year and four days. That's like 7.1 dog years and stuff. A lot has happened in that 7.1 dog years, but what hasn't happened nearly enough is the grand convocation known universally as the Meeting of the Minds. Well, ladies and gentlemen, that shit's about to change.

This Thursday night around 6 in the PM, you are requested to gather in or about Key Bar, 617 West Sixth to partake of the witty repartee and exceedingly convivial milieu that is your 2010 Meeting of the Minds kickoff. The Blog is back at Key Bar and Grill. Drinks will flow and blood will spill and if they wanta fight, you better let 'em.

The mode of dress will be dressy tea bagger convention attire, which means that your misspelled sign must be in red, white and blew and your jorts can not have less than a 40 inch waist band.

It will be tax day, so the topic of discussion will be "1040, what's up with that?" and "Is stupid a pre-existing condition?".

To get you in the mood, we provide the following. Peace. Out.